Monday, April 11, 2011

Nihilistic Night

" No future" the term that was a mantra for Punk generation after Sex pistols. Sid vicious? Yes, he lived nihilistic and died holding to that mantra.
Now, its about my life, a fucked up bittersweet life; filled with confusion.

My " rebellion without a reason " phase was nihilistic, atheistic or agnostic. Nirvana's songs always running on the mind, everytime came back from Internet centers ( I don't have a computer in the house ) after watching some tribute to Kurt cobain videos, I will get so excited then I will rip more jeans and smoking proudly while images of Kurt in my mind.

Okay, I will stop about these past time craps ( continue on other the future articles )
Now its about now, I'm alive and complete in these present time while erasing my bright and extra dark dark past. The kinkiest, lust driven things I've done, with no regret, all the secrets buried inside me but still haunting as ghosts. But I shouldn't look at the dark side instead the brightside of my past, the music, the band, the friends, the concerts, the sweats in the gigs. Its all colorful and bittersweet but whats now?

Going trough this studying phase, I should be in my degree course by now but early recklessness gave me failure, its not to blame only myself eventhough I should but the subject that I'm struggling from the past till now is Mathematics. Maybe I'm too imaginative till my logical brain hard to activate. Numbers? My brain has a filter for that. Now, its my last and decisive semester where I have to pass and get trough degree or DIE?

Amazingly my depression is getting serious where I assume it is Bipolar Disorder. This disorder known for famous artists/thinkers as it also becomes the source of idea and creativity. Maybe I'm too pretentious or just want attention but for sure there is a big problem in my mental; I don't take any medicines or even visit consultants; I can't afford to do so and my parents won't understand my problems neither the society.

The last stick that I was holding for my Parkinson ( irony ) was Spirituality, in detail it was Hare Krishna movement that I was attracted when I was 16 years old, I felt so clean, so happy but now I lost it all including my life as a lacto vegetarian and animal rights activist due to heavy emotional problem caused by LOVE. After spirituality, She gave me the light but after 6 months I lost that light too, with some scratch, a lot of alcohol;cigarettes and with a great song.

Yes, the small light that burning now in the midst of all these struggle are my music. As I'm moving more serious as a solo performer, the Girl ( the girl that I loved and got hurt ) inspired my or maybe its just a magic that a simple song with a great melody comes out. Maybe thats the reason destiny made me meet her; to write that magical song that seems like boosting my musical career.

Maybe its just another of my wild dreams but I have a magical feelings that the song will bring me far, save me from this system of hell. Numbers of listeners are increasing and see what will happen in the coming times. For sure, now I have something to hold, to survive if I failed in my education. Fail or pass but I'm destined for this, to lyrics, to apply melody as a commercial piece of art. Sounds too over confidence? Dream on said John Lennon.

Tonight, while I'm writing these accompanied by Velvet underground songs, I'm feeling so weak. Like everything is out of place including me; All the people seems like alien for me or maybe I am alien for them except my one and only good friend now, without him I will lost deep into darkness. So called God bless him. But I'm growing hatred for the people who used to be good or just friends. I just can't stand their richness, their lies; their attitude. I'm planning to leave this place, actually I should leave this place, this fascist narrow minded community or sometimes just wanted to leave this world. Politics, revolution? earthquakes, global warming and 2012 is coming? 2012?

For now my best wish or prayer is let it all comes to an end, 2012 or 2011 or 2013, if its really going to end than I would be happy but give me a early sign first so I can leave behind all these struggle and start my pursuit of happiness before the END. Its just a hope, a hope made of confusion, maybe tomorrow will be brighter and I will pray to prevent the end? Who knows, for tonight this is the END.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

New Love

Illusion in the Art, dreams of crazy Rock 'n' Roll.

Like John's Yoko, and Sid's Nancy.

Butterflies that strive for flowers with unlimited honey

Like beggar who saw money, socialist who love to complaining.

Lizards that found castle of insects, like Nazi's found Aryan's history,

Like pastors who found Christ and sinner who found pastors.

Can she hit me more deeply? Yes she does.

Si Kehidupan

Aku sesat, sesat dalam kegelapan minda, minda berkudis . Otak bernanah
Semuanya pedih, pedih bagai jantungku diperam dalam cili. Ingin ku membeli,membeli maut.
Cahaya yang cerah, cerah bagai matahari tapi itu masa lampau, sekarang kiamat, kiamat dalam diri.
Lari, lari dan terus berlari, laluan yang seluas langit tapi kehidupan sesempit otak, otak kehidupan.
Peritnya kesakitan, kesakitan yang perit, ubatnya muntah, muntah syaitan, muntah badang,
Muntah lirik, muntah melodi, muntah bunyi, muntah mani. Tercinta dan termakan taik.
“Hidup” kata si kehidupan, “takut” kata yang beragama, “Ikut” kata yang berbangsa ,
Tapi aku hanya manusia, bukan golongan mu, bukan pegangan mu,
Neraka bukan untuk aku, syurga aku tak mahu. “Agama”? Oh busuknya perkataan itu ,
Busuknya pegangan mu, busuknya najis aku tapi tidaklah sebusuk si kehidupan,
Si kehidupan berbelah bahagi, si kehidupan yang percaya, yang mengikut , yang di kongkong ,
Di ludah, meludah dan aku terludah, padamu si kehidupan.
Si kehidupan yang busuk, suka mengulum kontol, kontol si kehidupan buta,
Butanya mani si kehidupan, tapi manis juga kontolnya di mulut mu,
Hisap, hisap dan terus menghisap sehingga darah dan maninya kering , keringlah sekali kesabaranku.
Keringlah harapanku, cintaku, pandanganku.
Terpancut, terpancut lagi kemarahanku,
Aku jilat pancutanku sendiri, sampai suatu pagi, semuanya akan berakhir.
Berakhirlah kamu si kehidupan.

Rich, honey, pussy and clubbing

See these rich peoples tales, heads are high and they live so fake
Getting all in one call, spending like hell what the daddy earned,
Daddy love the daughter, But daddy see, she is giving her pussy for free?
Sorry, that rich kid has Lamborghini, thousands of money so she is giving her pussy.
Don't forget, he also own backyard bitches in bikini.

Weekdays working, weekends clubbing, drinking the most expensive
Joined by other rich kids, the talk is all about money. You girl, he call you "honey"
But when your pussy dries out of honey, he leaves you hanging.
Yeah, he will give you some money, but now you're a prostitute, Honey.
Bye bye to him, you start finding another bitch, a male bitch.

He goes for another pussy. Oh, thats so easy, since he got money.
Pussy comes to him, he got money, Love? Its a good joke
Its a joke for the rich, its fake for the realist and yes, you are a joke in my eyes.
You're a pity joke, Pity? Its because I love you not you PUSSY.
Anyway baby, you boyfriend is calling, go and join him for clubbing.